More inspired, it has to be said, than I was by the film "Weapons of Mass Distraction". This film is relatively hard to come by on DVD in the United Kingdom, but I did acquire a copy. And now, for the general beneft and elucidation of all who peruse this blog, I thought I would sum up what the film was about for you.
This post contains no spoilers whatsoever. Not a one. Niente. Nil. Nada.
"Weapons of Mass Distraction" (hereafter referred to as WOMD because I'm a lazy bastard), is a harrowing and poignant tale, revolving around the character of Lord Henry Nobjockie Viscount of Fankyarbuttnott, a member of the ancient Scottish nobility. He descends from a lengthly and impressive clan of warriors, poets and angle grinders, but a freak accident in a tuna-canning factory means he has now fallen upon difficult times.
Previously renown in the clubs and salons of Edinburgh, Dundee and Aberdeen for his extraordinarily mellifluous tenor singing voice, which has on occasion caused grown women to fall into a dead faint, and his ability to recite ream upon ream of Rabbie Burruns, Nobjockie is now reduced to giving telephone horoscope readings based upon a person's date and time of birth, an occupation he finds deeply tiresome, and a drain on his precious creative reserves.
This in spite of the fact that his readings have proved very accurate in a select few high-profile cases, and have afforded him a degree of stardom. He even broadcasts on his local Public Service Television Network.
But he longs for the return of his singing career. The pain he feels is visceral and real. The viewer is drawn deeply and irrevocably into his agony.
He falls into a terrible funk, and lounges around the ancestral pile for days on end, in his pajamas, unable to stir himself, go stag hunting, play his bagpipes, iron the creases into his kilt or even make a decent bloody cup of tea ferfuksake.
Desperate, Lord Nobjockie decides that he is going to have to take truly radical action in order to turn his - and his family's - fortunes back around and somehow restore the Clan name to its former glory. He arranges a secret and terrible partnership with a mysterious international arch criminal - Goldmember, played with chilling conviction by English Oscar-winning actor Ben Kingsley.
- and agrees to become a guinea pig in a genetic experiment of such daring and epic proportions that it could threaten the future of the whole of ... er, Glasgow.
They arrange a secret meeting in the Nevada desert.
(Author's note: In point of fact, this scene had to be specially re-written to take place in the desert, as it was the only place the film makers could find that had already been sufficiently blasted and scarred by the sun's radiation and was therefore deemed safe enough to allow Gabriel Byrne to wear these sunglasses. Any other location would have been destroyed - DESTROYED, I TELL YOU! - by his utter gobsmacking hotness.)
Oh JAYSUUUUSSS, and then he takes them OFF ..!
Para los ventiquattro cojones de los Apostolos, that man is HAWT.
Nobjockie agrees to undertake a surgical proceedure that will radically enhance him in a way that RoboCop and Steve Austin the Six Million Dollar Man could only ever have dreamed of. This is the first step towards Borg-style assimilation, and it has little to do with his ass (lovely though it is.) "ASSimilation"? "Ass"? Geddit? No, never mind.
He begins to set his affairs in order, and, fearing that he may not survive the procedure, takes his sweet and beautiful wife into his confidence.
Is it then that he begins to fully appreciate the size and breadth of what it is he is planning? The enormity of his proposed enhancement? The dangers? The risk? All for the sake of another round of "Molly Malone"?
- or does realisation grip him later, in the hospital, in the last few moments before he bares his precious widdle putard for the merciless needle filled with narcotics?
But then it is too late. He knows that all he can do now is phone for take-out, as the pre-med has given him the munchies.
"Oil have the chicken tikka masala, vegetable fried rice, twenty-three poppadums and a deep-fried Mars Bar, please. T'ank you."
The surgery is long and .. no, never mind. Enough with the 'long' allusions already. Suffice to say it goes well. Here, Nobjockie tentatively inspects the results.
Yes, following ground-breaking research and development work he is now armed and dangerous, being the proud owner of the world's first bionic willy of mass distraction. This is the meaning of the film's title - he has a WOMD. (They couldn't say "willy" in Kentucky, Maine or Arkensaw, see.)
He's really quite pleased about this.
It brings new meaning to the words, "A rocket in your pocket."
Once back home, Nobjockie of Thankyarbuttnott explains how to activate the mechanism to his wife, in case of emergencies. Like all the best high-power weaponry, this requires two people to get it working. That way, no one man will be left with the singular authority to enact the destruction of everything within a three-mile radius..
The priming mechanism is cunningly hidden in his finger. (And now you know why Gabriel Byrne is always so well manicured, eh?)
See the tea-pot there? Yes, his tea making skills have been fully restored. And as you can see from this still, so has his singing voice:
"O Sole miooooooooooooooooo - - Ai, caramba! Don't fekkin' BOITE me, woman!"
There follows a round of frantic telephone conversations -
Realisation begins to dawn on Lord Nobjockie. There is no way he can ever use his weapon. No, really, no matter how much you plead, it ain't gonna happen.
Oh.
'K then. *sniff*
Whatevs.
And so, once again, Our Man's future looks uncertain, and bleak. Disconcerted, he wanders the halls of the hospital where he was given his bionic enhancements, searching for answers to the new meaning of his life.
Even a surreptitious ride in the back of a limo (!) fails to provide him with answers.
But all is not lost. Just a couple more phone calls, and NobJockie manages to secure himself a role in a brand new courtroom drama based loosely on the plot threads left dangling after the demise of "Hill Street Blues" and "Law and Order: Criminals In Tents" -
- and they all lived happily ever after. The End.
