A Stroll Round Manhattan In The Dark

End Of Days. This has to be one of the daftest films I have ever seen - so how comes I enjoyed it so much?

Oh, that's an easy one. I know, I know! Gabriel Byrne!
Photobucket

An entire wardrobe of Armani clothes. A Brooklyn Irish accent. Louis Vuitton shoes. A black-faced Haurex watch. Twenty five gallons (a day) of Vidal Sassoon hair product. A liberal dose of irony. Any number of shots of Gabe wandering round Manhattan in the dark, just looking menacing. Or, not, even.

Dear Mr Arnold Scwarzenegger,

You do know, don't you, that this film was stolen right out from under your nose?

Oh, you may have had above-the-title billing. You may have earned more money than Croesus for your part in this film. You may have had the exclusive rights to your face being on the front cover of the DVD whilst the actor who played Satan did not have his name or his image on any of the film posters or the DVD cover ... or anywhere, very much.

The actor who played Satan may not appear in the movie's trailer, even. Only his voice.

But, my dear Mr. Schwarzenegger, this was SO NOT YOUR FILM. No one noticed you in it! Sorry, old chap. But everyone was watching Gabriel Byrne.

Gabriel didn't really care how big you were, either physically or in cinematic terms. Because he was the one with a minion to hold an umbrella over his lovely black locks, see? Whilst you lay panting on your back in the pouring rain. This image says it all for me.

Photobucket

Gabriel's the one who got the .. er, I hesitate to say 'love' scenes, but you know what I mean. He didn't even need to do any acting in this scene, he just turned around and -

Photobucket

- half the women in the Western world fell off whatever they happened to be on at the time. Horses, bicycles, step-stools, toilets, chairs, sofas, perches, kitchen tables, motor-scooters, skateboards ...

Photobucket
Photobucket

Gabriel rang the Cantebury bells with four different women in this film. Let me jut rub your face in that a moment: Gabriel - FOUR, Arnie - NIL.

Photobucket

Gabriel was the one with all the intelligent, funny, witty things to say. And, even when you DID have good lines, you really weren't in his acting league. Any more than he could bench press six hundred pounds of iron.

Seriously, who cares?

Photobucket

Photobucket

("Not I, said the Gabriel.")

Photobucket

Satan may be the ultimate instrument of evil and the bringer of mankind's darkest hour since the Beatles split up, but he was also the one leaving the women looking like this:

Photobucket

Gabe got the best wardrobe. BY A MILE AND A HALF. And the best hair. Well, let's face it: he already had that.

Photobucket

Well. Ahem. Most of the time, anyway. I admit that the black drapery thing over the purple turtleneck was perhaps a little tiny bit "Hammer House Of Horror", but I think he managed to carry it off anyway.

It's all in the stance, see. This is the patented Gabriel Byrne "I look silly but I don't give a running f*** at a rolling doughnut!" stance.

Photobucket

All the comedy moments in this film belong indubitably to Gabriel. You didn't even realise there were comedy moments, did you Arnie? You think that dropping a piece of stale bread into your blender, or being beaten silly by Miriam Margolyes and her incredible rolling piano can compete with this?

Photobucket
Photobucket

(and just in case you're wondering whether The Man's possession is a comedy moment, try listening to that sequence through headphones. The noises Gabriel makes are hysterical.)

Photobucket

Bathroom Yoga, anyone? It's the next big thing in New York, where space is at a premium. Your instructor for today will be Seamus ..

Photobucket

Photobucket

Mr. Schwarzenegger. Granted, you may be considerably larger and stronger than most of the other people - no, ALL of the other people - in this film, but Gabriel is so much more frightening. Whenever Satan looks to one side, like this:

Photobucket

- it means trouble is brewing. And, thanks to the wonders of modern cinematic special effects, this gentle 5'10" sweetheart can Jean Claude van Damme your hide with the best of them. Hell, this is a man who can set fire to a truck with his wee-wee.

Photobucket

Look, he's about to do it again. Look out Mr Psychiatrist Devil-Worshipper Bloke, your noggin is about to go watermelon -

Photobucket

Eww. Brain matter. It's a bugger to get out, you know.

Photobucket

Gabriel gets all the best make-up effects.

Photobucket

- and all the best lighting effects. Honestly, the man just got the best of this film, as did his legions of fans. I felt quite sorry for the Arnie worshippers (are there any?), for he was simply eclipsed.

Photobucket

So. If any of your women (and/or men) were foolish enough to get back up onto whatever it was you fell off originally, let me bring you right back down to carpet level again with this final sequence, which I think perfectly illustrate the whole notion that Arnold Schwarzenegger Was Not In This Film.

Photobucket
Photobucket
Photobucket

You see what I mean?