Oh, my goodness! What a truly superb film! What stunning, haunting scenery! What a supremely powerful story-line! What an extraordinary ensemble cast, pulled from the very highest echelons of British and European thespian talent!
No, I'm so sorry. I just can't keep it up.
I can fully understand why Gabriel Byrne fans are SO devoted to this film, because there are several scenes in it where frankly he is so hot, it looks like he would be an environmental disaster to have him anywhere near a polar ice cap. Never mind the current 9% shrinkage per annum of the ice at the Southern Pole. Forget CFCs (remember those?) making a hole in the ozone layer over Australia; ignore faceless multinational corporations decimating the Brazilian rainforest and never mind the escalating carbon emissions in China and India ... someone needs to make Gabriel Byrne wear a a brown paper bag over his head when he goes outside.
See what I mean? Ludicrously, riddiculously, utterly over-the-top hot.
But .. was this a good film? Um .. well, yes. But then why did it irritate me so much?
Certainly it wasn't anything to do with Gabriel Byrne, unless it was the fact that he wasn't in it enough for me. Also, there wasn't enough of HIM in it for me. If you see what I mean. I fully appreciate and respect the fact that he no longer wants to get his kit off for love scenes, and that is absolutely fine by me - especially in the presumably sub-zero filming conditions one might expect to encounter in Denmark.
But his co-star showed no such restraint and the end result looked unbalanced; rather unrealistic to me. But then, who knows? Maybe he was somehow concerned for his co-star's modesty ... or privacy, as the two of them were by all accounts boffing each other silly at the time, off-camera.
"I knew that just the aroma ... just the very SMELL of my lasagne ... and she would be mine! MINE! Mwahahahaha!"
I know that Gabriel's back and shoulders have a fan-club all of there very own. So I'm putting this shot in gratuitously, just for those people.
One nod in the direction of authenticity where the love scene was concerned was generously provided by one of Gabriel Byrne's feet. I've looked quite carefully and I don't think the foot was being played by a stunt man. In fact, an "Assistant To Mr. Byrne's Feet" was credited at the end of the film - now THERE'S an interesting job.
Like wise, Mr. Byrne's stubble had it's own wrangler, and I was comforted to see that the scenes that included it were supervised and overseen by the European Stubble Welfare Society. "No beards, sideburns or mustaches were harmed during the making of this motion picture." Excellent.
(I should report him to the League Against Cruelty to Tee Shirts, though. For this scene alone. Although he makes up for it later.)
"Smilla .. please, don't go. I'll brush my hair, I promise you. This'll never happen again."
Talking of unbalanced: There were several parts of the film where I thought; "Oh, dear. Gabriel does look a bit peaky there!"
A word of explanation. "Peaky" is a weird British word that means "Ill, but not dreadfully so." As if one is on the verge of coming down with something. It is not to be confused with "Pikey" which means a person of extraordinarily low social standing, or "Pokey" which means 'small and dark and cramped'.
Neither of which really apply to Gabriel Byrne.
"Yes, I am in shock and mourning for the little boy. Perhaps that is why I look a little damp, and somewhat ... frizzy. What Lozzie would call 'peaky'."
"But it will not stop me trying to chat you up. I'm on a mission to get into your knickers."
"Oh, come ON baby. Just look at these baby blues and tell me you don' wanna."
"No? OK then. Later. Maybe. Yes. Later. I love you. Shit. Did I just say that out loud? I think I'm running a temperature."
"Must be noice to the Crazy Lady."
"God. That woman is driving me bonkers. I just know - I KNOW - that once she has a taste of me home-made Spotted Dick and Custard, she'll be my love slave for all eternity."
Maybe this role attracted Gabriel because of the obvious parallels between his character of The Mechanic, and that of James Bond. I mean, look - all the elements are there.
HOT LOVE SCENES
Oh my lordy. Bits of my body detached themselves and went marching across the room towards the television set when I saw this scene.
SEXY STUD LOVE-MUFFIN TURBO POWERED GADGET-FIEND SUPER CAR (*ahem*)
Makes a pleasant change, if you ask me, from the usual run-of-the mill Lotus Elan/ Aston Martin DB5/ E-Type Jaguar. This is more like something out of Wallace and Grommit.
CAR CHASE THROUGH STREETS, COMPLETE WITH STUNT DRIVING (reversing in small alleyway)
Honestly, only a man like Gabriel Byrne could still manage to pull a hot chickadee whilst driving around, in broad daylight ferfucksake, in a car like that.
AND HOT LOVE SCENE WHILST DRIVING AT HIGH SPEED.
WARNING! Do not try this at home! This type of activity is illegal in forty-eight states!
(Scientists report in the latest issue of "Nature" magazine that this scene alone accounted for a liquidifying of at least 34km² of pack ice at the North Pole.)
MACHO PHYSICAL STUFF TO DO! SAVE THE GIRL! GET THE GIRL!
TECHNO-GADGETS GALORE!
BLACK TURTLE NECK JUMPER/SWEATER! (That's pure James Bond, isn't it? Or am I getting mixed up with Action Man/GI Joe?)
SUBTERFUGE! CROSS AND DOUBLE CROSS!
BLOWING STUFF UP!
You certainly have set MY timer ticking, Mr. Byrne.
This is so totally Action Man.
(But please, tell me. How typically 'Gabriel Byrne' is it, for his character to set the timer on the bomb going BEFORE actually positioning it, and then having to run like fuck to escape the blast?)
And this IS the best running I have ever seen him do in a film. Jus' sayin'.
Hmm. No wonder.
SWANKY LOCATION SHOOTS WITH TOP-NAME A-LIST STARS.
(Gabriel Byrne and Richard Harris discuss being Irish, hair colour, and "Camelot".)
High class nightclub and casino. Byrne's Action Man Of Mystery image temporarily wrecked by asking valet to park his .. Morris Minor.
E.V.E.N.I.N.G. D.R.E.S.S. **passes out cold**
The plot.
I know I should have been able to understand it, and in a kind of passing-by-glancing-in-window way, I did. But there were several important moments where I was simply too distracted to be able to pay attention. What was happening here? What was he going on about? Isn't this a crucial element of the denoument? All I could think of was, "He's gonna kiss her. He's got to kiss her. He simply must kiss her. Hang on - HE DIDN'T KISS HER!"
So. Yes. Not a bad film, not by any stretch of the imagination. But I did end up feeling slightly cheated at the end of it all. Was that simply because I am a Gabriel Byrne fan, though? If I were instead a Julia Ormond fan, would I be watching it an average of 4.575 times per calendar week?
